Fish Rag Threatens the Wrong Billionaire

It’s just another tawdry tale – with a helluva second act.

The National Enquirer, the “newspaper” that did everything in its power to ensure President Man-Baby’s election short of buying votes, ran a hit job on Amazon founder Jeff Bezos.

In a whopping 11-page cover story, it exposed his extra-marital affair.

Bezos isn’t the typical cover boy for the National Enquirer.He’s not a Hollywood superstar. He’s not a national Democratic politician like Hillary Clinton to be mocked. Most Enquirer readers, even if they use Amazon to order their Doritos and flip-flops, probably don’t know who he is.

He is, however, also the owner of the Washington Post, a newspaper known for fact-checking Man-Baby’s daily lies. Man-Baby hates the Washington Post with a fury that makes him ball up his wee orange fists and curse the sky at least twice a day.

Given the National Enquirer’s habit of paying for interviews with Man-Baby’s extra-marital romps and never running them – known as “catch and kill” – Bezos suspected a setup.

He thought the tabloid was trying to exact some revenge on him on behalf of Man-Baby. So the World’s Richest Man hired investigators to find out how the Enquirer came upon private communications between him and his mistress.

Hey, he probably got it out of his pocket change.

Here’s where it gets really twisted:

The Enquirer’s parent company, American Media, threatened that the rag would publish even more salacious details, texts and photographs, including a “below the belt selfie,” according to the New York Times, if Bezos didn’t publicly swear that the Enquirer’s reporting was not motivated by politics.

I can’t even imagine the unmitigated gall, the utter craven contempt for reality and integrity to pull off that shizz.

American Media never imagined who the were dealing with.

Bezos went public. His attitude: Go publish anything you want, you pus-heaving anal fissures.

“If in my position I can’t stand up to this kind of extortion, how many people can?” Bezos wrote in a blog post on Medium exposing American Media’s tactics.

The publicity has been quite the firestorm, enough to rock American Media. Didn’t Bezos get the memo? This isn’t how blackmail victims are supposed to act! And so realizing that it wouldn’t be prudent to launch another attack and needing something to say to the press, American Media announced it would investigate Bezos’ claims against the company.

Let that sink in for a second.

This is like you pointing out to a mugger that he just stole your wallet and the mugger saying, “I take your concerns seriously and shall endeavor to search my person to ascertain whether I have your goods and shall get back to you at a later date with my findings.”

In other words: pure bullshit.

Does anyone really think the company’s own investigation will do nothing more but exonerate itself?

Federal prosecutors are taking Bezos’ claims seriously – and that should make every American Media exec piddle down into their socks.

American Media signed an agreement with federal prosecutors in New York last fall after admitting it paid hush money during the presidential campaign to help Man-Baby.

Under the terms of the deal, American Media has three years to keep its nose clean.

If Bezos’ claims can be substantiated – and he sure seems to have saved all his incriminating emails – the National Enquirer may have the goods on the greatest exclusive of the century: “Extra! Extra! Newspaper puts itself out of business!”

It couldn’t happen to a nicer rag.

More examples of the Enquirer serving Man-Baby.
More examples of the Enquirer serving Man-Baby.

 

 

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