On ‘The Bachelor,’ even Mean Girls cry

Matt took out the trash on a long overdue but utterly satisfying episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor.”

ABC thoughtfully opened the two hours with Victoria taking a power walk and dissing the other women, just to remind us, as if we needed it, of how awful she is.

At the cocktail party, Matt tells the gathered women that he is not down with the bullying.

“If you have to belittle someone else for you to shine, those aren’t the qualities I’m looking for in my wife,” he says.

Victoria throws Anna under the bus for spreading the rumor that Brittany was an escort.

Anna looks as if she’s going to be sick.

With Matt, she tearfully apologizes for giving into a shallow impulse, that she knows she behaved badly.

Matt tells her that he doesn’t think she’s a bad person, but “I can’t see you being part of that journey anymore.”

He walks her out.

In the limo, Anna seems to be in shock.

“I just can’t believe this happened,” she says.

One lady-in-waiting down, one queen to go.

If Victoria is sent home, she will "literally die." Photo: ABC.
If Victoria is sent home, she will “literally die.” Photo: ABC.

Victoria, meanwhile, is trying to do damage control and rewrite history.

“I’m always playful. I’m never, like, malicious.”

When Matt questions her about calling Ryan a “ho,” Victoria says, “That was completely taken out of context.”

As if there could be a good context for calling someone a ho.

Matt leaves her, telling her he has a lot to think about.

Victoria erupts, pulling a staffer aside in the bathroom and then for a walk outside the hotel.

“Literally, there’s no one in here who can marry this guy but me. I’m literally the best option for him,” she says.

If she’s sent home, “I’ll literally die.”

America: Stop teasing us with a good time.

At The Most Satisfying Rose Ceremony ever, Brittany and Ryan, the women wronged by the toxicity in the house, get the first roses.

Victoria stews as, one by one, women she deems inferior get roses ahead of her.

Katie over me?” she fumes in a one-on-one. “Are you blind? Katie’s disgusting. We’ve known that for weeks.”

And the final rose of the night goes to … Serena C.!

Victoria looks as if she’s ready to boil every rabbit in America.

When it is her turn to make her exit, she tells Matt, “I honestly feel so sorry for you that you would listen to hearsay and not all the facts about a situation. So, goodbye.”

To the camera, she says, “He’s not my king, and I’m still a queen. Matt’s a jester.”

Victoria is sure the other girls in house are not OK with her going home.

“Like, I brought so many people joy.”

The glorious editors at ABC cut to the women clinking glasses with Matt and toasting to love.

Victoria is so disgusted by her experience, she vows to never date a guy named Matt again.

This just in: Single men everywhere are legally changing their name to Matt.

With the two biggest instigators gone, you might think the house would relax.

It doesn’t.

Halfway through the season, the women are morose about their lack of time with Matt.

Rachael gets a one-on-one date that turns out to be a shopping spree.

Fashionista Kit gets a stay-at-home date baking cookies.

The group date is all about silly farm games.

The anxiety level continues to ratchet up.

And there might be a culprit here no one is willing to point the finger at: Matt.

Just Matt making out with another woman. Nothing to see here.
Just Matt making out with another woman. Nothing to see here. (Photo: ABC).

He’s telling all the women just what they want to hear.

He tells Abigail how much he relates to her struggles in a household with a single mom.

He tells Kit he sees a future with her.

He tells Rachael he’s falling in love with her.

On the farm date, MJ playfully chases Matt around the barn, and Matt runs into Pieper on the other side of the barn, grabs her, and makes out with her.

He’s making out with every single woman he’s alone with.

He’s not giving out mixed signals: He’s put up green lights everywhere and is hitting the gas with every woman.

No wonder they all look as if they need anti-depressants when they are alone in the house.

There’s more drama, as Jessenia tells Matt MJ was one of the antagonists in the house, citing her comment about the OG girls being the varsity squad and the new girls being the JV squad.

I think my IQ dropped 40 points typing that last paragraph.

Matt demands a private meeting with the two to get to the truth, and ABC forces the women to pull up their suitcases next to each other, ride in the limo together, and then spend a few hostile moments alone.

“I lead by example,” MJ keeps saying.

Is this on her business card? What does it even mean in this setting?

“I preach harmony, peace.”

To the camera, she says, “Y’all wanna see me fight? Get your popcorn.”

And Matt has but one rose to give out.

Next week: Heather Martin! The girl who once competed for Colton Dunderhead! “What are you doing here?” Chris Harrison sputters. “You could honestly destroy this whole thing for Matt!”

Oh, Chris! Never stop being an atrocious actor.