Soap, No Bubbles

ABC’s “General Hospital” has been riding high from the publicity of Emmy-winning late-night host John Oliver’s recent cameo and the celebration for the show’s 16,000 episode.

Both achievements should be lauded.

Oliver straddled the line between creepy and camp as the mysterious Z, head of the international spy agency WSB.

And in a time when daytime serials are endangered, “General Hospital’s” longevity is remarkable, the last survivor of ABC’s once formidable daytime lineup.

But the show seems to be scripted by graduates of the Tyler Perry School of Serials: all complications, few payoffs.

Oliver’s appearance was part of the climax of a yearlong story that brought back a fan favorite and focused on a double agent and an international criminal building a cold fusion device.

Ryan Paevey returned to the show after seven years. His good guy hero Nathan West had been killed by his psycho, longlost father.

How could this really be Nathan? Where had he been all this time?

I just wanted one character to remember that Nathan had had an open-casket funeral and say, “Gee, if this is Nathan, who the hell did we bury?”

“Nathan” was embraced by his friends and family, got to know his young son, and embarked on a new romance.

Months later, the penny dropped: “Nathan” was actually Cassius, Nathan’s unknown identical twin brother, and in cahoots with our two big bads.

As retcons go, it was a stretch as wide as the Pacific, but soaps fans are a forgiving bunch so long as they are entertained, and the role gave Paevey a chance to stretch as a morally gray guy.

The epic resolution of this story ended on a previously unknown loading dock on a gothic island. Sure.

Bullets flew. The double agent was shot dead. The accomplice later arrested.

John Oliver and Ryan Paevey, courtesy of ABC.

Cassius was seriously wounded, and ultimately spirited away by Z, who told his loved ones he had died.

ABC has confirmed Paevey’s time on the show has ended for now.

Many in Port Charles, including Nathan’s best friend, his sister and his one-time lover, found out about Cassius’ duplicity after he was gone.

Best friend Dante, who welcomed “Nathan” into his life and back onto the police force, could barely muster a shrug.

Sister Nina, so vital to Cassius for establishing his identity as Nathan, found out the details of his deception between acts.

When a story is rushed like this, the writers are telling the audience that what they spent months caring about was actually unimportant.

That’s no way to build audience loyalty.

Payoffs matter. Catharsis matters.

Csssius should have been publicly exposed and forced to face all those he betrayed.

Then there’s Cullum, the double agent, who terrorized so many. and died without any reckoning.

Britt Westbourne suffered for years thinking she had Huntington’s disease. For a long time, fans suspected something was amiss. Just before his death, Cullum finally admitted he’d faked the whole thing to blackmail Britt into making the device.

What could have been a bombshell was amounted to a Post-It tossed in the wind before the bullets started flying.

Not me at home thinking he could have had it a lot faster and easier if he’d only kidnapped her mother Liesl right from the start and simply threatened Britt’s well-being. The device would have been completed years earlier.

Britt never had the moment to confront the man who ruined years of her life.

His accomplice never had a moment to confront Cullum for murdering his son.

All these missed opportunities for drama. For the actors to unleash. This is why viewers tune in.

Recently, CBS’ “Bold and the Beautiful” ran a solid week of Brooke blasting her sister Katie for stealing her child.

Mind you, daughter Hope is a married thirty-something who merely took a job at her aunt’s company, where she will be valued and respected, unlike her previous place of employment.

Objects were thrown. It got a bit slappy.

It was the culmination of weeks of build-up, and viewers were rewarded for their patience. It was pure soapy heaven.

“General Hospital” could learn a lesson from the competition. For its next 16,000 episodes.

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